Surprise Surprise.

I've been avoiding blogging about this, mostly because I'm so frustrated that I can't quite put in to words what I'm feeling. When Xaelen was born, over 19 months ago, I had a c-section. It was unplanned and unwanted and had a very unpleasant and painful recovery from it to boot. I did not want to be cut. I wanted to labor on a birth ball, I wanted to labor with the scent of lavender oil in my nostrils, I wanted to labor as I listened to peaceful music, I wanted to push that little life out of me - the way that women have been doing for millennium. It didn't happen. Ok.

It took months to mostly accept things as they were. The one thing that really kept me going was the promise from my OBGYN that we can try again and next time we could try for a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). She told me that as long as I go in to labor myself (no intervention, no induction, no augmentation) that we would just see what happens and entertain the idea of a VBAC.

Now let's fast-forward to my 1st prenatal appointment with this new pregnancy. After a mostly routine appointment, I am getting my bag of goodies that all pregnant women receive when visiting their doctors and the doctor casually says "Oh, by the way, you are aware of our new policy?" Hmm... Policy? What Policy? "Well, we made a collective decision here in our practice that we will automatically schedule everyone who's had a c-section for a RCS (Repeat Cesarean Section)" WHA?!?! Are you kidding me? "No exceptions?", I ask? "No, I'm sorry" is the response.

Oh. My. God. All those thoughts of feeling broken by the last c-section came as a wave over me again. I'm tainted. No birthing center will take me. My own OBGYN who was supposed to be VBAC friendly, won't take me. What am I to do?

Well, what to do indeed. For starters, I'm empowering myself with knowledge. First thing on my list of empowerment, I am attending an ICAN (http://ican-online.net/) meeting here in San Diego. I am researching who else in this city will allow for a VBAC. I have joined a bunch of online groups that address VBACs. I will not have surgery pushed on me without first seeing what my body can and will do. I will keep an open mind. I will keep my body healthy and strong in order to prepare for this. I will hire a doula. I will consult with a midwife. I can do this.

Ok. Enough of that soapbox.

Let me add to all this, during my 1st prenatal visit, the ultrasound showed a small amount of bleeding where the placenta is/will be. This is called a subchorionic hemorrhage. I'm hoping/praying that this will be reabsorbed by my body in the coming weeks. As a precaution, they are doing another ultrasound next week to see if the bleeding has stopped, shrank or expanded. I'm hoping the hemorrhage is gone. Please hope the same for me?