Frivolity

I just received a big box of maternity clothes in the mail that I ordered. That was the most excitement I've had in weeks! There's nothing like new clothes to make one feel better. My regular clothes just don't fit anymore and I decided to stop pretending they did. There was a huge sale online and I bought a bunch. 12 new articles of clothing just arrived. Yay online shopping!

Here I am.

I've been avoiding blogging. Does anyone really want to see the yucky side of being a wife, a mother, a human. Blah. I've been dealing with emotional stuff. I guess I have a hard time sharing that kind of stuff. It's much easier painting a rosey picture than it is to paint in dark colors.

1) Today would have been my due date had I not had a miscarriage. I'm ok with it. It's just something I still think about, and perhaps always will.

2) A woman whose VBAC journey I've been following went in to labor a few weeks ago. She was attempting a HBAC (home birth after c-section). It didn't go well. After a failed 20 hour labor at home, she was rushed to an emergency c-section at the hospital. The baby was stillborn. Her uterus ruptured. She had to have a hysterectomy. And that's how that ended. I'm still shaken by this. A lot.

3) Work's been busy. And draining. And my stupid clothes don't fit me anymore. And I don't have any maternity clothes for work since my last pregnancy I was still in college and mostly just wore sweats, jeans, t-shirts, etc. Now I have to dress up and nothing freaking fits! Nothing a little online shopping can't fix, I guess.

4) Marriage is hard. Ok, not the actual being married part. But the part where I wind up feeling pulled in 50 million directions all at once. I have to be a good mother and since I work full time, I try and spend as much time with Xaelen before his bedtime at 6pm. I work, so I give 100% from 8am-5pm. I have to be a pregnant chick, so I try and rest as much as I can - usually collapsing at 7pm only to wake again at 5am to start the whole thing over again. Now, I ask you, how do I fit in the being a good wife part? I also failed to mention the being a good housekeeper part, the good cook part, the daughter duties, the friend duties. You catch my drift. Will someone please stop time for like 2 or 3 hours so I can catch up with my husband?!?

Ok. That was therapeutic. I'm done venting.

Confessions

Today is Thursday and it seems like a good day to share some confessions. In no particular order and mostly just of the top of my head, here is my short list:

1. At 20 months, Xaelen is still nursing. Not actively, mind you. Nor for any true nutritional value, given the fact that being pregnant has all but dried me up of milk. But he nurses none-the-less. I think he needs it still - on some level, and I'm perfectly fine with it. It's not round the clock or anything, at this point we're down to 2 nursings (at most) a day. The morning one being the most important for him. He anxiously bolts to the room I sleep in sometime between 6:00 and 6:30 to curl up with me in bed and have his booby time. Which leads me to my next confession.

2. At 20 months, Xaelen does not yet sleep through the night, on his own, in his bed. Our big accomplishment on this front was extricating myself out of the sleeping with Xaelen arrangement. We have co-slept with our child in some form or another since he was born. He only slept in his crib for about 3 or 4 months (and even that was not full-time). By eliminating mommy from the co-sleeping, he at least has started sleeping through the night (in bed by 6ish PM and waking at 6ish AM). Unfortunately, he still needs SOMEONE in the bed with him in order to actually accomplish this. Adazm has graciously accepted the job as this SOMEONE. They have a good sleeping routine down, but unfortunately, this means Mommy sleeps alone. Sad, but true. As I say to anything that I'd like to improve "We're working on it".

3. I am terrified of the birthing process that is in my future this coming July. I've never actually birthed anything in the traditional manner, given my cervix never dilated last time. No matter how you look at it, I'm considered high risk to the medical powers that be. Either I'm scheduled for a repeat c-section which carries risks and worries associated with major abdominal surgery, or I attempt a VBAC which carries the risks of uterine rupture. Hmm.. doesn't that just sound like a walk in the park?

4. I am also very nervous about adding another child to our life. Mind you, I know that adding another to our brood is VERY important (both for us and Xaelen), but actually making it a reality and all the logistics that go along with it is scaring the hell out of me. Xaelen is 20 months old and I just recently started to feel like we've got this parenting balancing act down somewhat. Add a newborn to this equation and I feel like all the spinning plates I have balanced on my nose are going to come crashing down on me. You know? But as with everything else in life, you just deal with it I guess. Ultimately it all works out.

5. And last confession. It is 2:54am, and I'm awake. One of the lovely symptoms of being pregnant for me is the interrupted sleep. I just can't seem to sleep through the night anymore. Sometime around midnight or 1am, the need to pee wakes me. I answer nature's call and attempt to go back to bed. I then lie there - tossing, turning, going over the days tasks, thinking of tomorrow's tasks, and countless mundane other thoughts. Eventually (sometimes hours later), I roll over and fall asleep. Not the case tonight. Tomorrow, or rather TODAY is going to be a rough one.

Wednesday, January 9th 2008

What is today? Today is many things..

1. It is Wednesday and therefore catered lunch day at work. My company orders lunch from a restaurant of our choice and we eat together talking about whatever is going on in the world/our company. It's always a midweek treat.

2. It is also hump day. That middle of the week day that always seems longer than the rest of the days of the week.

3. It is also the day that my brother Mark and cousin Ilana arrive in San Diego for a week long visit with the family.

4. It is also the day of the week that Xaelen goes to his great grandma's apartment for the day. Adazm works on Wednesdays at the disc golf course, and Xaelen gets fed lots and lots of tasty treats!

5. It is also the 9th of January. On this day, 5 years ago, Adazm and I exchanged our wedding vows. Just the two of us - under the gazebo - in the early afternoon sun - in magical Negril, Jamaica.

5. It is also the day I ALMOST forgot that it was my anniversary. I always laughed when I would hear/read stories about spouses forgetting things like that. How do you forgot such a thing? Well, then we had a kid, and a house, and responsibilities, and all the other minutia that occupies ones brain. And then I almost forgot. ALMOST. I didn't realize it was the 9th until I got to work, looked at my calendar and said "DOH!".

So, my dear husband, if you are reading this -

Thank you for being in my life. Thank you for saying yes when I proposed. Thank you for having the patience to put up with me day in and day out. Thank you for keeping calm when I'm blowing a gasket. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you for being an engaging & ever present father. Thank you for helping me conceive our sparkling gem of a child (not to mention the one on the way). I love you more than I probably ever convey, I love you more than I am even able to fathom, and most importantly I love you more each and every day that goes by. Thank you for the last 5 years and the countless years to come.

Random thoughts for a Tuesday morning

I have so many topics I could write about today. I don't even know where to begin. For starters, since I'm pregnant, let's talk about the pregnancy! I visited with the OBGYN last night for my followup ultrasound. The heart is beating! There's a head! And legs! And arms! The one thing that is absent is the hemorrhage! It appears it has either been reabsorbed by my body, or perhaps just shrunk to a size that makes it a non issue! Happy day indeed.

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Next let me just say, Xaelen is adorable. His personality is coming through more and more every day. I never thought I would say this, but I really think he's learned how to manipulate all of those around him. And I say this with all the love in my heart. I don't believe manipulation is a negative thing. It's just a fact of life. He's really getting good at extracting the emotional reaction he wants from whoever he is interacting with. Something tells me that will be a valuable skill to have living in our world. I just worry (there's that word again!) that he doesn't solely depend on said manipulation, and actually work on his other skills as well.

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Moving on to another topic, I've recently discovered Google Analytics. Has anyone ever used it? So much information, I'm not even sure how to use all of it. But I'm intrigued and really enjoying learning about it. If anyone has any information on it or advice, I would appreciate any and all!

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Oh, and can I just say OBAMA! I'm flying on cloud nine with his success in Iowa and his (hopeful) success in New Hampshire. Ever since hearing him speak at the California Democratic Convention last summer here in San Diego, I'm enamored with him. I'm inspired. I'm uplifted. I'm politically reinvigorated. Oh, the possibilities!

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I'm off to make lots of phone calls this morning. We're looking for Xaelen to start preschool in the next few months, as Adazm (the Stay At Home Dad Extraordinaire) is beginning his travel season for work and we're about to be screwed unless we find some care provider for him SOON. Think good thoughts for us!

I worry... Therefore I am...

I've been feeling worried a bit lately. Worry is not a new concept for me, given that I worry about most everything in my life. I worry about Xaelen's health and safety. I worry about Adam's health and safety. I worry about my own as well. I worry that we'll not have enough money, I worry that we'll not have enough time. Anyhow, you get the point. I'm a worrywart. The current worry of the day is a miscarriage. I really have been feeling pretty optimistic about this pregnancy. We've seen the heartbeat now 2 times - once at 7 weeks and once at 9 weeks. The last time I miscarried, I was measuring 7 weeks, so we've obviously come further than we did last time. I was feeling sure and confident.

Then Adam told me about a friend of ours who was pregnant and that they just miscarried at 10 1/2 weeks. I'm 10 1/2 weeks. Suddenly the worry washed over me again. I hear the chances are 1 in 5. What if I'm that 1 of 5 again? I know worrying doesn't benefit anyone. I know a positive attitude can go a long way. How do I put that in practice though, if worrying is what I do best? My next ultrasound is next Tuesday and the day can't come soon enough. I'm suddenly terrified to go in to that office. I'm scared of laying there in the darkened room, ultrasound wand inside me, slowly scanning the insides of my womb. What if the words I hear are "I'm so sorry." I've already heard those words before and I have to say I don't think I can bear to hear them again.

On a lighter note, I've been really impressed with Xaelen's blossoming sense of humor. He is one funny little cat. One of these days, when I can find the time to sit with a computer and our camera in the same room, I will upload the videos and pictures that demonstrate the funny that is our son. Until then, you'll have to take my word for it.

The post holiday wrap-up

Another holiday season has come and gone. Thank goodness! The holidays always overwhelm me a bit. Too much food, too much drink, too many people, too many things to do, not enough rest. This year was no exception. It was a wonderful time as well, though.

The holidays began this year with Hanukkah at my parent's house. Xaelen loved the lighting of the candles, my mom saying the prayer, the latkes, the Hanukkah songs, the presents. Since he first experienced Hanukkah, he exclaims "Na-na-na" (his version of the word Ha-nu-kkah) every time he sees candles lit. Any kind of candles. All candles. We lit candles in the house one night to have "mood" lighting and he squealed "Na-Na-Na!" when he saw them. Too cute.

We then had Christmas at my in-laws. Wonderful food, beautiful tree, family and friends. Xaelen got to open presents, eat turkey and dance to holiday music. He can say "turkey", but it comes out sounding a lot like when he says "dirty". That's one of his favorite words right now. Everything is dirty. He is constantly commenting on state of things being dirty. Even when things get wet, they are dirty. His other favorite word is "Owie". Everything has an owie these days. He broke a stick, and exclaimed "Owie" for the stick. A grape had a little bruise on it, he commented "Owie". His stuffed Snoopy had a spot of juice on it, thus also having an "Owie". Great. My son is a neat-freak who's obsessed with injuries. Kidding. He's a great kid who is obviously very observant of his surroundings.

New Years was a fun trip up to the central coast of California - Morro Bay to be exact. It was beautiful. We drove up to Los Angeles on Friday night after work to stay with my in-laws. Got up the next morning bright and early and headed north. After about 3 hours we made it to Attescadero, CA to play some disc golf. We played 1 full round which took about 3 hours. There were about 15 of us playing and it was loads of fun. After we proceeded to the house that was rented for the next few days in Morro Bay.

The house was amazing. It was huge. It needed to be huge, as there were about 20 of us staying there. Friends from all over California had converged on this house - people from Oakland, LA & San Diego. There were multiple bedrooms and many communal areas of the house to hang out. We had a small room to ourselves with 2 twin beds. Xaelen slept happily 1 night with daddy and 1 night with mommy, until we realized -Doh! Let's put the dang beds together and make a king sized bed for us all to share.

The food at this house was amazing. Everyone pitched in and we gorged on ribs with all the fixins the 1st night, a giant roast pork with all the fixins the 2nd night, a turducken (for those not in the know, that's a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken. - I really thought it was a gross concept, but on my plate, it looked much like a thanksgiving day turkey and tasted lovely). Large communal breakfasts were had as well. Eggs, bacon, and french toast the 1st morning. Home baked blueberry muffins and banana bread, with grits and gumbo on the 2nd morning. And something that we missed on the 3rd morning. Poor Adam ate virtually nothing. As most of you know, he doesn't eat meat and this was pretty much a meat-fest. I tried making him plates of this and that, but suffice it to say, my poor husband fasted the entire time. Overall it was a wonderful adventure. Xaelen loved being surrounded by people who would play catch with him, read to him and basically oooh & aaah over him. He loves being the center of attention and he was certainly just that.

The actual evening of New Years eve, I was so horrendously nauseated (I swear, I don't know why they call it morning sickness as I never feel sick in the morning). I went to bed with Xaelen around 7pm and awoke at 11:55pm to ring in the New Year with all the intoxicated folks at the other end of the house. At about 12:07am, I was back in bed, toasty and warm next to my favorite little man. I would have been quite content to ring in the New Year in bed with my snoring toddler next to me, but I felt compelled to put in an appearance at the party down the hall . It's hard being around drunk people when you are completely sober. For starters, drunk people are loud. Lord knows, I'm loud when I'm drunk. But somehow it seems so much louder when sober. Another issue with sobriety and being around intoxication is how hard it is for me to relate to people. They are all on this communal high from the champagne and cocktails, and I'm on a totally different page.

The next day, New Years day, we got up early (not by choice - but Xaelen is a 6am riser no matter when he goes to bed), packed up the car and headed back in a Southerly direction. We made many stops along the way, as traveling with a toddler is not as quick a process as one would hope. We saw friends along the way and finally made it home around 6pm with Xaelen totally freaking out in the backseat. I think the kid finally had enough. He was tired and bored and annoyed at being in his carseat for the last 2 hours. He was ecstatic to be home and immediately ran around picking up all his stray balls around the house and throwing them with vigor. He slept well last night and ran to our bedroom at his usual 6am(ish) time slot to have his booby time.

Ah. It's good to be home.