I've been avoiding blogging. Does anyone really want to see the yucky side of being a wife, a mother, a human. Blah. I've been dealing with emotional stuff. I guess I have a hard time sharing that kind of stuff. It's much easier painting a rosey picture than it is to paint in dark colors.
1) Today would have been my due date had I not had a miscarriage. I'm ok with it. It's just something I still think about, and perhaps always will.
2) A woman whose VBAC journey I've been following went in to labor a few weeks ago. She was attempting a HBAC (home birth after c-section). It didn't go well. After a failed 20 hour labor at home, she was rushed to an emergency c-section at the hospital. The baby was stillborn. Her uterus ruptured. She had to have a hysterectomy. And that's how that ended. I'm still shaken by this. A lot.
3) Work's been busy. And draining. And my stupid clothes don't fit me anymore. And I don't have any maternity clothes for work since my last pregnancy I was still in college and mostly just wore sweats, jeans, t-shirts, etc. Now I have to dress up and nothing freaking fits! Nothing a little online shopping can't fix, I guess.
4) Marriage is hard. Ok, not the actual being married part. But the part where I wind up feeling pulled in 50 million directions all at once. I have to be a good mother and since I work full time, I try and spend as much time with Xaelen before his bedtime at 6pm. I work, so I give 100% from 8am-5pm. I have to be a pregnant chick, so I try and rest as much as I can - usually collapsing at 7pm only to wake again at 5am to start the whole thing over again. Now, I ask you, how do I fit in the being a good wife part? I also failed to mention the being a good housekeeper part, the good cook part, the daughter duties, the friend duties. You catch my drift. Will someone please stop time for like 2 or 3 hours so I can catch up with my husband?!?
Ok. That was therapeutic. I'm done venting.
Home Sweet Home! by The Pioneer Woman
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I hope you’ve all been doing well, staying safe, and (hopefully) getting
back to some glimpse of normal. I know normal is a relative term, and I
swear, I s...
3 years ago
4 comments:
I was just getting ready to post on BBC, was worried because you hadn't posted in a while. Glad to hear things are going more or less okay . . . hang in there!! I feel you on the not enough hours in the day bit. I sacrifice my house for sleep and (occasionally) my hubby. Chin up on the VBAC attempt. In all the stories I have heard about HBACs, that story was the first negative outcome. Another woman I know tried a HBA4C, she was not successful, but still had a wonderful healthy baby! Hugs!
I know we do not know each other that well, even on BBC but I lurk on all the May 06 blogs and I have to say it is so refreshing to read an entry that is honest and does not always feel the need to paint things as rosey, so thank you. I hope that getting all of that out was helpful to you and I agree with Angela, as much as my heartbreaks for the woman who lost her baby, that is not a normal VBAC outcome. As for work, being a mother, wife and being pregnant, you are not alone there either. Filling all these roles is so rewarding but often times very hard and we do feel pulled in many directions at any one time. I hope you find comfort in knowing you are not alone on that count.
Hey Rita, glad to see you posting again! I was getting worried. I totally understand where you're coming from -- we're in the midst of buying a house and with all of that, work, trying to lose weight, blah blah blah, sometimes it seems like the marriage ends up taking a back seat. I just keep thinking, "as soon as things settle down a bit..." not sure if that's ever going to happen:P
Rita, I've been thinking and thinking on how to put my thoughts on all your topics into words, then the words never come to me correctly.
1. VBAC - for every Nate and Alex, there is a story of twins being lost at 26 weeks, or one twin being lost, or twins born with irreparable damage. While it is good to confront your fear and think about it, some days you must have faith. You will find horrible tragedy and great sorrow on the internet, but you will find much greater joy and triumph.
2. Marriage is hard, amen to that. Jon and I have had to redefine many parts of our relationship, and we've had to literally carve out sacred time for each other. With all things, practice makes it easier. This is a special time, growing your new baby, and it's hard to find balance in all things.
My belief is sometimes life needs to be out of balance. Sometimes it's ok to focus on your new baby, your existing baby, and yourself. A strong marriage will make it through each partner needing to wrap up in themselves.
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