Confessions

Today is Thursday and it seems like a good day to share some confessions. In no particular order and mostly just of the top of my head, here is my short list:

1. At 20 months, Xaelen is still nursing. Not actively, mind you. Nor for any true nutritional value, given the fact that being pregnant has all but dried me up of milk. But he nurses none-the-less. I think he needs it still - on some level, and I'm perfectly fine with it. It's not round the clock or anything, at this point we're down to 2 nursings (at most) a day. The morning one being the most important for him. He anxiously bolts to the room I sleep in sometime between 6:00 and 6:30 to curl up with me in bed and have his booby time. Which leads me to my next confession.

2. At 20 months, Xaelen does not yet sleep through the night, on his own, in his bed. Our big accomplishment on this front was extricating myself out of the sleeping with Xaelen arrangement. We have co-slept with our child in some form or another since he was born. He only slept in his crib for about 3 or 4 months (and even that was not full-time). By eliminating mommy from the co-sleeping, he at least has started sleeping through the night (in bed by 6ish PM and waking at 6ish AM). Unfortunately, he still needs SOMEONE in the bed with him in order to actually accomplish this. Adazm has graciously accepted the job as this SOMEONE. They have a good sleeping routine down, but unfortunately, this means Mommy sleeps alone. Sad, but true. As I say to anything that I'd like to improve "We're working on it".

3. I am terrified of the birthing process that is in my future this coming July. I've never actually birthed anything in the traditional manner, given my cervix never dilated last time. No matter how you look at it, I'm considered high risk to the medical powers that be. Either I'm scheduled for a repeat c-section which carries risks and worries associated with major abdominal surgery, or I attempt a VBAC which carries the risks of uterine rupture. Hmm.. doesn't that just sound like a walk in the park?

4. I am also very nervous about adding another child to our life. Mind you, I know that adding another to our brood is VERY important (both for us and Xaelen), but actually making it a reality and all the logistics that go along with it is scaring the hell out of me. Xaelen is 20 months old and I just recently started to feel like we've got this parenting balancing act down somewhat. Add a newborn to this equation and I feel like all the spinning plates I have balanced on my nose are going to come crashing down on me. You know? But as with everything else in life, you just deal with it I guess. Ultimately it all works out.

5. And last confession. It is 2:54am, and I'm awake. One of the lovely symptoms of being pregnant for me is the interrupted sleep. I just can't seem to sleep through the night anymore. Sometime around midnight or 1am, the need to pee wakes me. I answer nature's call and attempt to go back to bed. I then lie there - tossing, turning, going over the days tasks, thinking of tomorrow's tasks, and countless mundane other thoughts. Eventually (sometimes hours later), I roll over and fall asleep. Not the case tonight. Tomorrow, or rather TODAY is going to be a rough one.