Coming off my VBAC happy cloud

So I'm feeling sad today. I miss my 1st born! It just makes my heart ache seeing him want to be close to me and me constantly have to say no because there is a new little one attached to me. It sad that the majority of the time I have to say "No Xaelen, don't do that" to whatever he is trying to do. He's been acting out quite a bit since Quillan's birth. I expected a certain level of this, but I didn't realize it would be so soon and so all the time.

I'm trying my best to still be there for him as much as possible, but ultimately that leaves me feeling completely and utterly exhausted. My body still hurts and I'm still recovering from birth. It's hard enough keeping up with the needs of a newborn, lack of sleep and all. But it's even harder to juggle the needs of a newborn AND those of my wonderful 2 year old. I don't know how mothers do it.

Every time I look in to Xaelen's big blue eyes, I just want to cry. It's like I know things between us are never going to be quite the same. He will never be my one and only little man again. I have to figure out a way to still make Xaelen feel special and to have OUR time together to be special, even with a new little one in our life. If anyone has any suggestions, I will be more than happy to hear them.

Quillan's 1st Photos

 

 

 

 

Mission Accomplished! Quillan is here!

IT turned out to be the real deal! After I wrote the last post, I continued to time things and they were getting more intense and coming about 7 minutes apart. I took a shower, got my parents to pick up Xaelen, finishing packing up some last minute belongings, called my doula and told her we'd be heading on over. Around 11pm we arrived at Doula Dawn's house. I labored on her couch for a while and then decided the jacuzzi was a much better place to be. I got in and the pain certainly became more manageable but still quite intense. The problem once again, as it was with Xaelen, is I was experiencing a tremendous amount of back pain. This one wasn't posterior, but his was cocked to the side a bit making each contraction more intense then it otherwise would have been.

Around 2am, I proclaimed that I think I was ready to go to the hospital. I think I would have stayed in the water the entire laboring process, but I was so scared of having to go the hospital in the middle of transition or even worse, as I was birthing. I was still more or less hanging in, so I figured now would be a good time to go. Our doula's house was just 6 minutes from the hospital, making it a quick journey for us. We arrived at the hospital, and the walk from the car to admissions was the LONGEST WALK EVER!

We arrived at Labor and Delivery, and they had no rooms available at the moment! Ack! I was asked to sit in the waiting room while they cleaned one up for us. Oh my goodness. There were no couches, just 6 hard chairs. While we waited, I had about 5 or 6 surges. I just kept breathing through them and reminding myself "I can do anything for just 1 minute". That was my mantra through each and every surge I had during the labor. After about 15 or so minutes, I was brought to my labor room and checked.

After an internal exam, I heard the words I so desperately didn't want to hear. I had only progressed to 2 cm. Holy crap! I couldn't believe it. I had been laboring so hard, I was sure that I had made more progress. I had already made a deal with myself. If they told me I was 0 or 1, I would immediately ask for a c-section. Obviously, my cervix was too scarred and would never open. If I was a 2 or 3, I would ask for an epidural, and if I was a 4 or more, I would just keep on truckin'. Based on that deal, I was on the verge of tears and told my doula - I think I need meds. I really didn't want to have a medicated birth, but it was more important for me to have a VBAC than it was to have a non-medicated birth. And with the epidural, I felt that perhaps I would still have a chance.

At 3:30am my water broke, at 4:00am I got my epidural, and at 4:30am I was checked again. The next statement made my whole world spin. The nurse exclaimed "You're between a 6 or 7". Oh my goodness! I was elated! In just over an hour I went from 2 to almost 7! It could have been the water breaking, it could have been the epidural, but whichever it was - it was magic! I rested as much as I could from that point on. The epidural was light enough for me to still feel the surges, although they were just tightening sensations rather than pain. The epidural was also strong enough to allow me some much needed rest.

About 2 hours, and a little bit of a catnap later, I was checked again. I was at 9! It was probably around 7am at this point. We did a couple of practice pushes while he was checking me. It was amazing! By this point my epidural seemed to be wearing away. I could feel my legs and the surges to some extent. About 2 hours later I was complete! I was at 10! Who knew I could dilate to 10!

I pushed with the help of my wonderful Dr. Biter, my doula Dawn, my nurse Julie and Adam. Pushing probably took around an hour. With my last push, out came my very BIG baby! Unfortunately, he was also covered in meconium and therefore needed to be rushed away from me in order to help him breathe. So here is a little about his stats:

He was 9lbs 14oz (if he hadn't passed meconium he might have been the full 10lbs!)
He was 20.5 inches long
He looks like a little Xaelen, only with darker hair and slightly more smooshed head.

I feel super human! I pushed a baby (a BIG baby) out of my vagina!!!! And I didn't tear!

We're home today, 26 hours after I delivered. I feel good, although quite sore. My bum hurts, my vagina hurts, and my uterus is cramping up like crazy. It's all par for the course though. I feel super accomplished and super tired.. And with that, I'm going to try and take a nap!

This could be IT.

I'm not entirely sure... but IT feels much different than anything else I've felt this pregnancy, and IT feels somewhat similar to the little bit of labor pain I felt before the back labor kicked in last time with Xaelen.

We went out to sushi with Adam, Xaelen & my parents. I started having braxton hicks contractions, but much more intensely and frequently than I've felt before. I was thinking this might mean something, but shrugged it off.

We got home around 6:30, and I started noticing that I was now starting to feel some cramps - almost like menstrual cramps, but different somehow. I put Xaelen to bed around 8pm...

(CUT)
OH MY GOODNESS, that was a painful one.. ok.. back to the story...

It's now 8:48pm and they seem to be coming more and more frequently, but I still haven't established that they are coming regularly or at any consistent intervals. I will cross my fingers that this is IT, and the next time ya'll hear from us, we'll be parents of not one, but two beautiful boys!

Meh

Today was not really a happy, shining day. Granted, it's only 4:29pm so it could still get better, but I'm not holding out hope.

I feel craptastic.
When I woke up I felt like I was getting a cold.
Throat felt funny, nose felt itchy.
My head felt a bit clogged.
Mostly yuck.

I got up, made everyone breakfast.
Oh.. did I mention we're hosting 2 students from Korea? They arrived on the day before my due date. Hahaha. And to think I was worried I'd be in labor when we would have to be picking them up to bring them to our house. That was a misplaced worry.

So back to my story.
I made everyone breakfast. Attempted to dishes from last night's dinner.
Trying my best to function and be productive. And I'm just DRAGGIN! I mean, I can't seem to move faster than a snail no matter what. I had coffee. Nothing. I had some juice thinking the sugar would get me going. Nothing.

I'm so tired. I'm so hot. I'm so over it.

Oh.

And I think I'm feeling potentially down today as well. Well, no, potentially isn't the right word. I AM feeling down today.

I just can't seem to get excited about anything. I just feel like I wish I had never got out of bed. Blech.

So perhaps tomorrow, my spirits will be higher?

Maybe I need some exercise? Ugh. I truly can't imagine doing anything physical.

Enough venting for now.

Still Knocked Up

My appointment with the OB was today. Not the best news was heard.. but hey, what can ya do?

I'm still 0 dilated
I'm still mostly not effaced yet - just an itty bitty bit.

I have another appointment on Monday - my 41 week one. We will again discuss the options.

The good news about today was Dr. Biter's wonderful response to my question about whether I should be concerned about being past due. His response was simply "It looks like your kiddo is just not ready to come out yet.. let's let your body dictate rather than medicalizing it." How fantastic is that?

It's really nice that nobody is panicking.
Nobody is trying to push me to have a repeat Cesarean.
Nobody is trying to use any scare tactics on me.

In fact, I think of all the parties involved - My OB, My Chiropractor, My doula, etc. - I am probably the most "panicky" of all. So if my support team feels all loosey goosey about it, so shall I.

So we sit and wait. Let's see what hatches.

Past Due

Well.
I'm officially past due now.
I've never been in this position before. Xaelen was a week early, so this being past due business is a new thing for me. I'm trying really hard to not think of myself as broken. I know that pregnancies can go longer than 40 weeks and it's just a guess date, not a due date anyhow. But that still doesn't stop me from wondering what's the holdup!

Come on out baby!

Mommy truly can not get any bigger. If I did, I'd pop. Seriously.

I'd post a picture, but I really don't want to frighten anyone that knows me :) I have got a gigantically large belly happening here. I gained 29 pounds with Xaelen. I'm almost afraid to say what I gained this time. Ah screw it. I'll share.

45 lbs.

That's a whole lot of Rita!

The good news, if you see me from the back, I don't really look pregnant. I'm all belly and boobs. Although my face is much rounder too.. But whatever. That's where nursing comes in! I figure nursing will once again prevail in helping me shed all the weight in 6 to 8 weeks like last time.

Now if I could just find something to help pass the time while waiting. So far, my trips to Target, Costco, Lowes & Ikea are just eating away in to my maternity leave savings and disability pay. But man am I getting some good deals!

So flattered!

I feel completely and totally unworthy of this:

Thank you to Joanna over at "Sidewalk Chalk and Sippy Cups". Although again, I feel totally unworthy of this. But thank you so very much!

And now the rules for those I've nominated on here:

1. You should put the logo on your blog.
2. You then add a link to the person who awarded you.
3. You then must nominate fellow bloggers for this award.

I nominate the following:
The E Family In Sin City - Because I think she's pretty damn cool!

The Year of Frugal Living - Because I get inspired every time I read her blog.

Life as a Mom at 21 - Because I'm constantly in awe of how together this girl is at such a young age.

4. Add links to the recipients.

5. Leave a comment so the recipients know they have received an award.

Heading in to the home stretch

Tomorrow is my due date.

I wonder, does that even really mean anything?

No real changes to speak of yet. Nothing really brewing.

Full moon had no effect.

I'm thinking about having a glass of wine tonight. My doula seems to think that relaxing might help. Hey, I'm all for having some wine! And if it kick starts labor, amen.

I'll keep ya'll posted.

My doctor's appointment is on Weds. I suppose if nothing has happened by then, we'll discuss options. I just hope our "options" don't automatically mean c-section.

I mean, technically a full term pregnancy is anywhere between 37 and 42 weeks. I'll be 40 weeks tomorrow. That still leaves me with plenty of time!

Full moon = Labor?

Let's hope so!

I figured I'd check in with the world at large and let everyone know that there has been no change. I'm still just hanging out at home.. waiting for something to happen. Nothing really to speak of. No real changes. And I'm tired of being so close and yet so far from labor.

Tomorrow is a full moon. Perhaps? There's always talk of anecdotal evidence that labors pick up when there is a full moon. Could I be one of those?

Cross your fingers!

This is the face that slays me every time!

 

Shouldn't I be done by now?

I know, I know... I'm kind of asking for a lot. I'm technically not due for another 7 days, but I'm getting all anxious and stressed that I wish the time was here already! I guess it's the not knowing WHEN it will all start that freaks me out the most.

It could be today.

It could be tomorrow.

It could be a week from now.

It could be at night.

It could be during the day.

Argh! All the whatifs are driving me BATTY!

On the other hand, I'm SOOOO not ready to have a baby! I'm nervous!

I'm nervous about labor.
I'm nervous about delivery.
I'm nervous about recovery.
I'm nervous about the part where you actually have to take the baby home!
The more I think about it, the more freaked out I get.

So. Either way, I'm freaked out.
And I can't sleep.
Which freaks me out more, because I truly need the rest!

Where is the nearest rock I can hide under?